"Now you will make me fall, but only in your dreams."
~Brainstorm, “All Alone”
Why have I been able to get away with not drinking a single drop of alcohol since August? Because I’ve literally been so busy with work —- my one break being the weekend of my high school reunion, which was also quite full —- that I’ve not had the *chance* to interact with humans. (If some of you have been offended by my otherwise silence, I do apologize. We’ve had four new setups go up —- including one in Australia —- my coworker was admitted to the hospital ~1.5 months ago with a brain tumor the size of a lemon, and now we’ve got a new hire I’m training through all of this. I’ve not gotten a goddamn thing accomplished outside of work in that time, either.) That’s when the depression hits, and that’s when the bottle opens.
At least one good thing to come from this ACA, starting in January I’ll actually be able to head to Alamogordo and visit a mental health professional.
Had a dream last night along these lines. I was at a university complex, that somehow had a furry gathering location (don’t ask me why, but it was specifically furry), like a conspace sort of. There were several rooms down one hallway, meeting rooms for different groups; posted on many of these doors were signs banning my entrance or involvement with those groups, calling me out by name. It was hurtful, and I didn’t really understand the meaning behind it. (No reason was given; the signs simply read “The individual known as Baphijmm is not permitted through this door.”)
I happened to notice a young woman come out of one of the doors; upon spotting me, she hurriedly closed and locked the door behind her and started speed-walking the opposite direction. Feeling very confused and genuinely curious, I begged her to stay and explain what was going on, why all these places were barred to me specifically. I did not recognize her, but felt like I should have.
"Oh I don’t know, maybe because you’re so overflowing with vitriol?" Her sharp words as she turned briskly to face me, clearly annoyed by my insistence.
I tried to explain myself, but she wasn’t interested in hearing it, as though I’d wronged her personally. I apologized for this, further stating that I honestly didn’t recognize her.
"Of course you wouldn’t." As though that confession were another sin against her. I’ll admit, my memory isn’t what it used to be, and I’ve forgotten several people as a result, and it’s something I hate and wish I could reverse, but it’s not something I can help. It was about this time that I opted to wake myself up, knowing the whole time it was a dream.
It hurts me so much because this is exactly the sort of behavior I’ve had turned against me in certain circles of people I used to genuinely consider friends, people I honestly thought of as good people. I was admittedly strongly hurt by one of those people, and yes, I was more on-guard than I probably should have been around the rest, which I suppose must have come across as just horribly distrustful and scathing. I’ve been described as “toxic” on multiple occasions by multiple members of this group, for literally nothing more than being wary of how I was perceived by the whole.
Now, let that sink in for a moment: Because I was concerned about how I was being seen in the group, the group saw me as a horrible person to be avoided at all costs.
How does that work? I really don’t know, and I really wish I could.
I still care about these people, even now; I thought they were fun, interesting, awesome people until they inexplicably turned against me, so I still hold some attachment to them. Even the individual whose callous comments started my distrust, I still wish to return to being that person’s friend. Every time we have an exchange where neither of us accuses the other of something feels like it deserves its own feast day, because I really do want to get along with them (singular and plural).
I realized today, though, while at work: The word to describe me shouldn’t be “toxic”, but I would absolutely agree to being called “venomous”. I’ll strike with everything I have if I think you’re trying to bring me down, absolutely, and will remain on-guard probably the rest of my life in similar situations. I don’t like being hurt. I don’t want to experience it again. Therefore, if you hurt me, even if it was inadvertent, do expect to be bitten. I may recognize later that it was the wrong thing to do, but it will happen nonetheless, and if you have a problem with me fucking *defending myself*, then maybe yeah, you do need to get out of my life, no matter how much I might still like you.